I heard you’re terrified of strong, opinionated women.
I heard you do the running away thing pretty well at the mere idea of ladies superior to you – let’s face it, it doesn’t take much – giving you just the tiniest scrape of their thoughts. Thoughts! Seems like the apple doesn’t fall too far in your mangled gene pool, what from your mother and her ̶l̶a̶p̶ ̶d̶o̶g̶ husband always leaving their grandkids’ parties early as to not get “bossed around” by anyone with ̶b̶a̶l̶l̶s̶ ovaries bigger than theirs.
Are you so fragile that your mum and bff-nanny won’t look in my direction when you’re around, but are chatty and lighthearted when you’re not? Are your bubble walls so thick with cracked glass that your closest people are terrified of what might happen should they gently tap them with a feather?
You can’t handle being around me so much that you catapult yourself out of every room we find ourselves in together, you attempt to hide behind whatever posts and door frames are around (now, I’m very visual and to me this looks like a watermelon hiding behind a pencil, just saying), bury your batshit eyeballs all the way into your magical unicorn electronic device, and actually graze the floor with a distinct line of blatant ignorance as you bow your head to look from one side to the other, because you’ll do anything to avoid looking anywhere my bright vagina light shines.
What a beacon of hope you are for the growing boys you’re pretending to raise. I’m sure all the inspirational quotes you post about #breathelove #belove Kumbaya nonsense you don’t actually understand, topped with heavily Photoshopped photos of your blubbery backside and deflated udders, will be sufficient for them to measure other women to when the time comes. Hell, they may already be doing it! Well done, you. Your stunted emotional and psychological growth (don’t worry, you made up for it in caloric intake) are just the right mix of confusion and shame they’ll have to sort through. Go on then, the Kardashian show you DVRed is way more important than your children’s development.